Biscuit Crimes

Writers often complain about the loneliness of the writing desk, and I can quite see why; anyone who spends as much time as I do alone in a darkened office has to really like their own company. Thankfully, I do. I find myself witty, urbane and modest too, not to mention a delightful dancer. This doesn't necessarily mean that I don't need to get out from time to time though, which is why I have a little pop-up on my computer to inform me that it's time for my Writery Biscuit Break.

If the morning has been less than satisfactory (due to getting side-tracked or chasing minor research points that no-one else could possibly give a flying fart about) it's just a cup of instant coffee and a digestive biscuit for me. If, however, I have performed stunningly well and managed to somehow stay on target, I reward myself with a shot of the good stuff – Fairtrade Nicaraguan for choice – and something a bit more lively on the biscuit front. However, in the spirit of Health and Safety in the workplace, it's my duty as a self-employed arsearound to assess the risks inherent in the consumption of baked comestibles. There are various horrors that biscuits can inflict.

Hazard: The crack and drop
The biscuit has a hidden fault line that gives way at the crucial moment, sending moderately-sized biscuit fragments into your lap.
Risk: Potential rodent infestation.
H&S recommendation: Assess biscuits carefully before picking them up, and consider stress-testing more fault-prone varieties such as digestives. Any dropped fragments must be carefully recovered; the use of a small dog may be considered for this purpose, provided such complies with the Canines In The Workplace: Who Cleans Up The Poop? Guidelines (1986)

Hazard: The mumble cannon
Rapid consumption of very dry biscuit varieties followed by involuntary exhalation, such as sneezing or warning shouts (on construction sites) causes a fountain of crumbs to be projected for quite some distance. Schoolchildren have been known to use this effect as an offensive weapon.
Risk: Eye damage
H&S recommendation: Suitable eyewear for all third parties, and Hannibal Lecter-style facewear for biscuit operative.

Hazard: The Paradox drip
Dunking biscuit in tea proceeds normally, but on elevation a pocket of tea is carried through biscuit matrix without being significantly absorbed and emerges from far side of biscuit, from where it drips down the shirt sleeve of the biscuit operative.
Risk: Staining, sticky arm syndrome
H&S recommendation: Choice of biscuit should be limited to varieties without tea-conducting microtubules. Hob Nobs are notably hazardous in this respect.

Hazard: Rebound iritis
Dunking biscuit in tea proceeds normally, but on elevation the entire biscuit matrix becomes unstable and wobbles alarmingly. Matrix disintegrates just as it reaches the biscuit operator's mouth, and belly-flops into the scalding liquid sending a gout of it into the biscuit operator's eye.
Risk: Eye damage, risk of swearing upsetting neighbours
H&S recommendation: Close attention must be paid to the duration of the dunk, since no biscuit subtypes are completely immune to this phenomenon. A balance must be struck between softening the biscuit matrix and not ending up washing your eye out in the bathroom. Again.

However, during the ravenous phase of my teenage years I acquired the unfortunate habit of posting entire digestive biscuits into my mouth without biting them first. A sup of tea, and they collapsed; eaten in this manner an entire packet of digestives would take up a pint of tea quite neatly, and would stave off hunger until tea time. Mostly, anyway. Sadly the biscuits also tended to scrape the skin off the corners of my mouth, and I had to see the family doctor with an infected rash that split my face in a ghoulish, septic grin. Biscuit-acquired infection, anyone?

Digestives: Just Say No