When I'm 104

There really ought to be a trophy for being the World's Oldest Person - a set of golden false teeth, perhaps - but for obvious reasons it tends to be a post that nobody holds for very long. I love reading stories about these folks, however, because they always have theories about why they've managed to live so long.

'No alcohol,' said Tomoji Tanabe, the latest incumbent, in southern Japan on his 113th birthday - but before we all throw the vino in the bin, it's worth remembering that until a couple of years ago the Puerto Rican holder (113) had cited his secret as 'fish, a good laugh, and red wine every day'. Oh well.

In a related note, a couple of customers of mine from the nearby town of Weymouth celebrated their 75th wedding anniversary last year - ten years off the record of 85 years set by a Taiwanese couple a few years back.* There probably isn't even a name for that one.** Reading the article, I waited for someone to ask them the secret of their long marriage.

'I beats her every day,' said Wilf, displaying all of his legendary tact, but his wife was not to be outdone.

'And I shags the milkman behind his back,' she said, to general applause.




* Interestingly, the news report on the Taiwanese couple said that bride Yang Wan suffered from "lethargy and osteoporosis". Lethargy? She was a hundred and two years old! I can just see it - 'Come on Mrs Wan, up and at 'em! It's a big day today, we've got dinner for sixteen to arrange and you haven't even finished sweeping out the barn! What's wrong with you, woman?'

**By that many years, you've run out of substances - but it's fun for the first few years. Witchypoo and I exchanged themed gifts. On the first year (paper) we gave each other photographs; on the second (cotton), shirts; on the third (leather)... actually, let's not go there.